WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
04/23/2007
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for supporting my new book, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. Because so many of you pre-ordered the book from Amazon.com my ranking has risen tremendously.

We are all saddened and outraged at the senseless killings in Virginia this week. For many, this underscores the need for more gun control. It also puts the spotlight on just how violent our culture is—from violent movies to "gangsta rap." But because I feel the Don Imus case has brought up so many important issues related to Breaking the Cycle of Abuse I decided to write my article on it this month. I welcome your comments and reactions.

In the News from Beverly segment I will include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.


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WHY THE DON IMUS CONTROVERSY TOUCHES US ALL

by Beverly Engel

"Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me," I was taught: one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded ear and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down or raise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower."
--Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry

I believe that the recent controversy surrounding Don Imus is important for several reasons. First of all, everyone who has been verbally abused—either in childhood or as an adult—understands all too well that the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me," is absolutely not true. Words are powerful. They can be used as weapons, as is so often the case with verbal abuse.

We all need to pay more attention to the words we use, especially the words we use in anger. Parents need to be more careful that they don’t wound their children’s souls with words of anger, disappointment or contempt. Partners need to remember that words of hate can destroy the love someone has for you. And we all need to realize that racist, sexist, and homophobic words can penetrate a person’s soul and stay with them for years.

On the upside, because of his racist and sexist remark we are now talking about how damaging a great deal of Rap music is and this is a good thing. For far too long rappers have been spewing misogynistic words against women. Women in Rap and Hip Hop videos are repeatedly demeaned and denigrated. What kind of a message is this sending to young men and women? I believe it sends the message that it is okay to view women as inferior to men and as sex objects and not only gives permission to disrespect women but to be violent against them.

While it was certainly hurtful and completely inappropriate for a 66-year-old white man to say those horrible words regarding the Rutger’s women’s basketball team, it is equally inappropriate for young black rappers to refer to women as "hos" and bitches. Snoop Dog rationalized that the difference is that the Rudger’s women basketball team members were women who were working hard to better themselves, while the women referred to in Rap videos are not. But this argument just doesn’t wash. It is a form of violence against women to call them such demeaning and derogatory words no matter who they are or what they are doing. And it doesn’t just affect black women and men. Two-thirds of the people who listen to Rap music are white kids.

One of the most powerful ways of breaking the cycle of abuse and creating an abuse free future is to teach our boys to respect women. Unfortunately, rap music teaches the opposite. Today, instead of boys feeling protective and respectful of girls they view them as sex objects to be used and discarded. Instead of boys protecting girls they now take advantage of them whenever they can. Not only is it a common practice to rape or gang rape young women who are drunk and/or unconscious, but young men have now started videotaping their conquests and showing them to their friends afterward!

Another reason the Don Imus scandal is important is that it is a good example of how often people stand silently by and allow abuse to occur. Imus has a long history of saying cruel, vulgar, offensive things, including racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. For years politicians have gone on his show in order to further their political agendas. None of them stood up to say that Imus’ cruelty and bigotry was inappropriate. Unfortunately, this parallels the all too common practice of people turning a blind eye to those who abuse their power. This includes those within the Catholic church who ignored the fact that so many priests were sexually abusing children, school boards that ship offending teachers off to other campuses and politicians who protect one another even when they know that someone is guilty of breaking the law.

The Imus case has also brought the issue of apology once more into the limelight. The Rutger’s Women’s Basketball team decided to accept Imus’s apology. This says more about them than it says about Imus. It shows that the women on the team were willing to be compassionate and to work toward forgiveness.

Imus’s public apology did not seem all that genuine. It had a note of bitterness to it. In fact, Imus has said in the past, in defense of his words, that he wasn’t going to apologize. He has seemed to believe that he has the right to say anything he wants to—regardless of how it affects others.

Apologies are only effective when we feel assured that the offender understands why he committed the offensive action and we can be assured that he or she has learned his lesson and will not do it again. We cannot be assured of this with Imus for two reasons:

1. He’s done it before
2. He himself doesn’t seem to understand why he did it.

And finally, the Imus case provides us with a good example of someone who has the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. In defense of himself Imus said, "I did a bad thing but I am a good person." Certainly one bad action does not make a person bad. But we know that Imus regularly made derogatory remarks about others—including racist and sexist remarks. So Imus is not just a good person who did something bad. He is a Jekyll and Hyde—someone who is deeply conflicted about his need to be "good" and his need to be "bad."

Many Jekyll and Hydes are so-called "good" people, often times the pillars of the community. Like Imus they may volunteer their time and donate their money to good causes. But Jekyll and Hydes have an equally dark side—a side that breaks the rules of society, treats people with disrespect and even disdain, and hurts people deeply.

Imus may have been attempting to be "hip" and cool by using the sexist and racist terms so frequently spouted in Rap music. But Imus is a smart man and even by his own admission, he didn’t know why he said those words. In fact, he seemed to be baffled by his own behavior. This tendency to do things to shoot yourself in your own foot are typical symptoms of the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome.

In fact, there very well may be a racist/sexist side to Imus that he has repressed/denied and has relegated to his Shadow or dark side. Qualities such as prejudice and bigotry can lie dormant and hidden from the sight of others and even from the person himself.
But Shadow material always rears its ugly head. We find our shadow:

· In "slips of the tongue" ("Oops, I didn’t mean to say that").
· In dark or off color humor.
· In our impulsive acts
· In those interactions in which we continually have the same troubling effect on several different people.
· In our exaggerated feelings about others ("I just can’t believe he would do that!").
· In negative feedback from others who serve as mirrors.
· In situations in which we are humiliated.
· In our exaggerated anger about other people’s faults.

Generally speaking, those who suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome are in a conflict. This conflict is often centered around their attempts to be a good person in spite of the fact that they may have critical, judgmental, harsh, demeaning, or other types of abusive feelings, thoughts and behaviors. In their attempts to be a good person they may have tried to bury, deny, repress or suppress these abusive tendencies. Unfortunately, these repressed and suppressed feelings, thoughts and behaviors cannot be buried permanently. Instead they continually pop up unexpectedly, often without the person’s conscious awareness or control. This, in essence, is what causes Jekyll and Hyde behavior. Our dark side or Shadow—those repressed tendencies—will continue to surface until the person addresses them directly, discovers their source and then finds constructive, creative and positive avenues for them to be expressed.

No matter how many children suffering from autism and cancer Imus has helped, it does not erase the pain his words have caused others over the years. Nor does it give him permission to continue to hurt others. This is like saying that just because someone is a pillar of the community it is okay for her to abuse her children. Or that because a man is a priest it is okay for him to molest children.

The truth is that Imus is like all of us—he’s both good and bad. We are all a combination of good and bad qualities, we all share the capacity to do both good and bad. And we all have a little Jekyll and Hyde in us. We all try to partition off those parts of ourselves that we believe are unacceptable and undesirable. And we all find that those rejected and denied aspects of ourselves come to haunt us in some way. Some of us become romantically involved with someone who will act out our secret desires for us. Others think we can get away with leading a dual life—sneaking away to act out our more prurient interests while pretending to be pure and holy. Still others find that their Shadow takes them over when they least expect it, causing them to act in ways that shock and appall even themselves.

"It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."

--Sally Kempton

BEVERLY’S NEWS

Beverly’s latest book THE JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality—Or If You Do is now out and available. Look for it at your local bookstore or order it from Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.com.

Here’s what Randi Kreger, founder of BPDCentral.com and co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder says about the The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome:

"Living with a Jekyll and Hyde, forever walking on eggshells, is no way to live. It takes its toll physically and mentally, whether the person’s problem is Borderline Personality Disorder or something else. In this exciting new book, Engel gives hope to millions by showing them how to get off the emotional roller coaster no matter what the situation is."

ANNOUNCEMENTS

A new website has been launched www.distinctioninfamilycourts.com which allows you to grade judges, court appointees, and other related professionals specifically based on their recommendations/rulings regarding child physical and sexual safety. The names and grades of the professionals will be posted. Your identifying information will be kept completely confidential. All states are welcome.

WORKSHOPS AND CONFERENCES

I will be presenting a workshop on The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome at this year’s APA (American Psychotherapy Association) Conference in Kansas City, Missouri.

Dates: October 4-6, 2007
Location: Hyatt Regency Hotel, Kansas City, Missouri
For more information call: (800) 423-9737


· Intermezzo Workshop. By popular demand, Heather Mendel and I will present another Intermezzo Workshop for women 40 and over (see my website for more information).

Dates: Four Thursdays in June 7, 14, 21, 28
Time: 6:00-9:00 PM
Location: San Luis Obispo

More registration form and more information go to my website: www.beverlyengel.com