“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

                        Ralph Waldo Emerson

            Many survivors of emotional abuse and neglect (as well as other forms of child abuse) do not know
themselves. They know who their parents have said they are and they know who they pretend to be, but they don’t know their true selves.

You are the only one who is capable of determining who your true self is. Other people’s misplaced labels, distorted perceptions and negative projections may have created a false image—an image you now need to discard. In its place you will need to discover and create your true self. This means you will need to look deeper inside to begin to find your true reflection.

People who were neglected or abandoned tend to have a fleeting sense of their own identities. It is as if they walk by a mirror and see a reflection of themselves that disappears immediately. Many are in a constant search for clues about who they are, and they often struggle with such a sense of insubstantiality that they feel at times they could actually vanish.

But no matter how fleeting the image or how insubstantial you feel you are, there is someone there. You may have to continue to dig to find it under the rubble of your parents’ judgments and expectations, or you may have to look deeper in the mirror to find yourself, but sooner or later, with enough focus and patience, you will find the real you.

Self-discovery requires self-awareness—or an ongoing attention to one’s self—and for this you need to take on a neutral stance. When you observe yourself with a neutral stance you take in whatever you notice about yourself with impartiality, interest and curiosity, but you do not judge what you observe.

Exercise: Who Are You?

1. Closely observe yourself for at least a week. Notice your behavior, your feelings and the thoughts that run through your head. Make notes about what you notice or any insights you may have about yourself. Notice any tendencies you may have to hide your true self from others or yourself, any tendency to pretend you are feeling one thing when you are really feeling another. 
2. Write a description of yourself based on your observations and what you already know about yourself to be true. Be sure to include all aspects of yourself in your description including your physical, social, intellectual, emotional and spiritual sides.  Add to your list whenever you notice something new about yourself. You will find that you are thinking about yourself and looking at yourself more carefully than you ever have.

Reconnect with Your Emotions

One of the most effective ways of discovering who you are is to pay attention to your emotions. In fact, some define self-awareness as the awareness of our moods and our thoughts about our moods. Awareness of one’s own feelings as they occur is a keystone to emotional intelligence, as defined by Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.  According to Goleman: “Self-awareness—recognizing a feeling as it happens—is the keystone of emotional intelligence…the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and understanding…People with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives…”

Unfortunately, for many who have been neglected or abused in childhood,  emotions are a frightening thing. It was when their parents’ emotions got out of hand that they got yelled at, pushed around or hit. It was when they themselves got angry or started to cry that they were ridiculed, punished, or abandoned. For this reason, most survivors of abuse and neglect tend to deny and repress their true emotions. Even those who may appear to be extremely emotional, eruptive or volatile are usually denying their more vulnerable feelings underneath.

In addition, if you were neglected or abused in childhood, you will tend to be overwhelmed and controlled by your emotions. Many become so overwhelmed that their emotions become their enemies. Dysfunctional behaviors, including abusive or victim like patterns, substance abuse, and suicidal tendencies, are often attempts to cope with intolerably painful emotions. Many try to regulate their emotions by trying to make themselves not feel whatever it is that they feel.

What is referred to as “psychic numbing” (stuck or frozen feelings) is another frequent result of abuse and neglect in childhood. Children shut off their feelings or dissociate in response to a traumatic situation. Learning to re-experience frozen feelings takes time but reconnecting with feelings can provide you strength, courage and joy.

It is important that you stop labeling emotions as “good” or “bad” and instead see them as important messages that can educate you about yourself, your circumstances and your environment. You will begin to see that your emotions can empower you to take better care of yourself and in so doing, help you raise your self-esteem.

Exercise: Your Feelings List

1. List some of the things that cause you to feel angry.
2. What are some of the things that cause you to feel sad?
3. What makes you afraid?
4. What makes you feel guilty?
5. What makes you happy or joyous?
6. What makes you feel fulfilled or satisfied?

Learning About Yourself Through Your Emotions

             The key to learning about yourself through your emotions is to experience them without inhibiting, judging, or distracting yourself from them. This is called being mindful. Instead of fighting our emotions or walling them off, being mindful of our emotions can help us discover more about who we are. The following steps will help you to experience your emotions in a mindful way: