WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
6/21/07
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for continuing to support my new book, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. I’ve received so many emails from readers thanking me for writing this book-readers as far away as New Zealand! Since I will be traveling to Australia and New Zealand in a few weeks this was especially encouraging! Let’s hope it gets out there to the people who need it. I appreciate anything you can do to make that happen.

I am relieved to say that I have finished yet another book-yes I know, I am prolific. What can I say? I’m full of it! (Ha, ha). The title of the book is The Nice Girl Syndrome and it is for any woman who is finding that others take advantage of her tendency to be patient, compassionate and giving. It will be out next spring.

In the News from Beverly segment I will include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.

PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

GETTING STRONG ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY
By Beverly Engel

Every month I receive many letters from readers who, through my books, have realized they are being emotionally abused. They thank me for helping them come to this realization but they plead with me for further help on how to leave an abusive partner. The story is usually the same, they know they should end the relationship but they just can’t seem to make themselves do it. Some have actually ended the relationship in the past, only to lose their resolve and go back to the abuser after a few months.

My advice is also usually the same-ending a relationship is difficult-even when you come to the realization that you are being abused and the other person refuses to admit it. No matter how abusive your partner is you probably still have feelings for him or her and the abuse has probably damaged your self-esteem to such an extent that you don’t believe anyone else will want you. You’ve probably lost confidence in yourself in other ways as well-in your ability to support yourself financially, your ability to live alone, and if you have children, your ability to take care of your kids alone.

The following information, taken from my latest book, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome may help you better understand your resistance to leaving:

"Even though deep inside you may know that you need to end this relationship you may find yourself vacillating back and forth about whether you should stay or leave. Here are some common thoughts and behaviors that may interfere with your ability to make a clear decision.

• False hope. You may continue hoping that things will get better. Your partner may promise you that things are going to get better or try to convince you that he now understands what you have been trying to tell him and that he’s going to change. But you need to remind yourself of how many times you thought things were getting better only to be disappointed when he reverted back to his abusive or "Mr, Hyde" behavior.

•  "The Way We Were" You may continue hoping that things will go back to the "way it used to be." You may find yourself remembering how your partner behaved when you first fell in love and wishing that she would treat you that way again. You may have even seen glimpses of her old behavior during one of her "good" cycles. But remind yourself that these "good" cycles are usually followed by a "bad" cycle. In fact, in many cases there may not be a return to the good cycle and the behavior or abuse may actually worsen.

• Unclear Thinking. Those who are in a Jekyll and Hyde relationship are often under such stress, confusion and trauma that they are not thinking clearly. It can be extremely confusing when your partner alternates between terrible rages and normal, loving behavior. And if you are being abused emotionally or physically it is very common to be confused and traumatized. For this reason, you may need to get feedback from your friends and family members about your partner and his behavior. They may actually have a clearer picture of him and the situation than you do. You also need to seek therapy to help you clarify your thinking.

• Emotional and Physical Exhaustion. Having to deal daily with the fear of a blow-up or a personality change can be extremely stressful and draining. It may feel like it takes all your energy just to get through the day. Having to make such a life-changing decision or having to cope with the pain of ending the relationship may seem like just to much for you to do right now. Unfortunately, the longer you stay in the relationship the more exhausted you will be so it is very important that you find a way to take some time alone to think about your situation from a distance. Perhaps you can take a short vacation to visit family or take a weekend with some friends so you can get away and create some emotional distance from your partner. This will help you get a break from the turmoil and gain perspective on the situation.

• Feeling like you can or should help. You may feel like you need to stay in order to help your partner to recover. But as it is with alcoholism, a Jekyll and Hyde cannot get better until he decides he want to do so. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, not to your partner. The fact is, you need help in order to heal from the damage caused by being with a Jekyll and Hyde. Instead of focusing on helping your partner, seek therapy for yourself. This will also set an example for your partner.

• Fear that your partner might commit suicide if you leave. This may sound cold but you must remember that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions. Some Jekyll and Hydes may use the treat of suicide to try to control you, make you feel sorry for them or to show you how much they love/need you, but most don’t carry through with it. There are some exceptions, however (most notably those who have borderline personality disorder). If a threat is actually attempted, do not hesitate to bring in both medical personnel and the police. If your partner is in therapy, also contact his therapist.

• Substance abuse. If you are indulging in substance abuse (alcohol, drugs) in order to help you cope with a Jekyll and Hyde do your best to taper off or quit. You won’t be able to think clearly as long as you are under the influence. Recognize that the fact that you have resorted this way of coping as further evidence of how the relationship is harming you.

• Loneliness. Many people resist leaving because they are afraid of being alone and being overwhelmed with loneliness. Some have been led to believe that all they have is their Jekyll and Hyde partner or that no one else will ever want them. Many Jekyll and Hydes have pushed away friends and family members or encouraged them to do so. You may have contributed to your own isolation by focusing too much attention on your relationship and your efforts to avoid conflict. And you may have your own dependency needs as well. Make an effort to reconnect with friends and family to help avoid feelings of isolation and seek therapy to provide you with an opportunity to connect with someone on a deep emotional level."

If you find yourself resisting leaving for any of the above reasons, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and work toward ending the relationship, even if you aren’t ready yet. This may involve any and all of the following:

1. Become less isolated. This may be the most important thing you do in order to prepare yourself to leave. Most people who have been in an emotionally abusive relationship have become isolated from friends, family and from the outside world. This may be because your partner is insecure and jealous and doesn’t want you associating with others. Or, it may be that you have become so embarrassed by your partner’s behavior that you have isolated yourself from friends and family. In either case, being isolated from others contributes to your confusion and your low self-esteem. You need the feedback of your friends and family to help you remain clear that your partner is abusive and you need their support in order to become strong enough to leave.

2. Work on raising your self-esteem. Emotional abuse of any kind wears away at your self-esteem, causing you to doubt your perceptions, your abilities and even your belief that you deserve to be treated better. Taking risks and accomplishing things can help you to gain some of your confidence back. You can do this by enrolling in classes, getting a part time job, starting to work out, becoming involved in a spiritual practice. Yes, your partner is likely to get upset or even demand that you not do any of these things because it threatens him, but at this point, what do you have to lose? You want to leave him anyway, he or she is going to be abusive anyway, so you might as well do something that will help make you stronger.

3. Begin to envision what it will be like when you are able to leave. Picture the way you want your life to be without him or her. Think of all the things you want to do with your life once you are free from his or her control. Envisioning a better life for you (and your children if you have them) will help strengthen your resolve to leave.

4. Start telling yourself that you have the courage to leave and the ability to take care of yourself. Even if you don’t believe it yet, talking to yourself in these positive ways can help you gain the strength you need to actually leave. In the announcements section I recommend a book of affirmations that can help you.

5. Remind yourself of previous successes and accomplishments. Make a list of your positive attributes. Even if it is difficult at first, continue adding to your list until you have at least 7 items. Put your list somewhere where you can read it often and read it out loud.

6. Continue to work on the childhood issues that set you up to be in an abusive relationship. I recommend my book Healing Your Emotional Self if you were emotionally abused or neglected as a child.

7. Join a support group for those who are being abused or, if you can afford it, seek individual psychotherapy. You may need the support of a caring, objective professional to help you gain the strength to leave.

It takes courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and you may need to build up these qualities in yourself before you can do it. Be patient with yourself but also be firm. If you don’t take some or all of the above actions you can’t expect anything to change.
There is much more that I could write about this subject but I have limited space in this newsletter. I’m thinking about writing a book on gaining the strength to leave and I’d appreciate your feedback if you could personally benefit from this kind of book or know others who could.

BEVERLY’S NEWS

If you have someone in your life who seems like two different people-someone who acts one way to the outside world and a totally different way when he or she is with you, or if your partner or parent has radical mood swings, pick up my latest book THE JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality-Or If You Do.

Look for it at your local bookstore or order it from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.


Here’s what Randi Kreger, founder of BPDCentral.com and co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder says about the The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome:


"Living with a Jekyll and Hyde, forever walking on eggshells, is no way to live. It takes its toll physically and mentally, whether the person’s problem is Borderline Personality Disorder or something else. In this exciting new book, Engel gives hope to millions by showing them how to get off the emotional roller coaster no matter what the situation is."


HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF is now in paperback!

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• I have recently become inspired to do more to help bring public awareness to the issue of emotional abuse. I plan on launching a website and a public awareness program in the near future. If any of you feel equally inspired and would like to join me in my endeavors, please let me know. I’m looking for sponsors and/or associates with skills in web design, marketing, advertising, layout, as well as grant writers. We’ll also be including personal stories, poems, etc. on the website so if any of you would like to send me your work, I’ll be happy to review it.

• I was recently interviewed for Oprah Magazine for an article on worry. It will be in the August issue so be sure to pick it up!

• I was also interviewed by Psychjourney an online podcast, book club and audio club. The subject was my latest book, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. You can download the entire podcast by going to www.psychjourneypodcasts.com.

• I strongly recommend Conny Jasper’s book, The Positive Power Workbook. She offers tons of wonderful affirmations such as: "I give myself support and comfort" and "I use my energy in healthy and balanced ways." To order her book go to http://home.earthlink.net/~connyjasper/positivepower.

WORKSHOPS AND CONFERENCES

• If you live in Australia, please come by to see me at the Gather the Women International Congress, "Women Inspiring Change" July 6, 7, 8 at the Women’s College, Sydney University in Sydney, Australia. I’ll be speaking on "The Role Women Can Play in Breaking the Cycle of Abuse" on Sunday the 8th at 12:00 noon.

• I will be presenting a workshop on The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome at this year’s

APA (American Psychotherapy Association) Conference in Kansas City, Missouri.

Dates: October 4-6, 2007

Location: Hyatt Regency Hotel, Kansas City, Missouri

For more information call: (800) 423-9737