WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
03/21/2007
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

Once again it has been awhile since I have published my ezine. I’ve been traveling—presenting workshops and speaking at conferences and I am working on a new book. I also have a new book coming out in April of this year—The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. So…I’ve been busy, as I’m sure you all are. I want to thank all of you who emailed me with your words of appreciation and encouragement after my last ezine in which I shared some of my personal experiences. It seems that this is the kind of information that many of you value the most. In the News from Beverly segment I will include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.


PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

THE JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME

by Beverly Engel

As many of you know, I specialize in working with those who were abused as children, those who have been abused as adults and those who have repeated the cycle of abuse by becoming abusive themselves. While I focus on all forms of abuse: emotional, physical and sexual, I have become known as an expert in emotional abuse, having written four books on the subject, two of which have become best sellers: The Emotionally Abused Woman and The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. In April, my fifth book on emotional abuse will be coming out: The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. This book addresses the unique phenomenon of people who have radical mood shifts and who often behave like they are two different people.

I wrote this book because so many of my clients who were being emotionally abused complained to me that their partner or parent appeared to have two distinct personalities—a caring, loving side and a harsh, critical, even dangerous side. Those who are in this situation experience a unique set of problems that few other people could identify with.

We all experience mood shifts from time to time. We are all multi-faceted people who show different sides of ourselves depending upon the circumstances and to whom we are associating with. And we are all sometimes shocked by our own actions or by the words that come out of our mouths. But there are some people whose mood shifts are far from normal, people who experience radical changes in their moods or violent outbursts for no apparent reason—people who become enraged, abusive, violent, depressed or sullen at the drop of a hat. There are people who not only show a different side of themselves depending on the circumstances and who they are around, but who are capable of creating a double life or an entirely different personality—a personality that would be unrecognizable to people who know them in another context.

These people suffer from what I call the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. Those with the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome can seem happy or normal one minute and the next become deeply depressed, angry, critical, or afraid. Often this involves suddenly getting angry with those who are closest to them. They may fly into a rage and accuse their partner or child of doing something to hurt them when the other person is totally innocent. Or they may suddenly become critical, finding fault with their loved ones, their co-workers or anyone who is in close proximity.

This is how my client, Leslie, described her husband’s behavior: "You’ll never meet a kinder man than my husband. He is so generous and loving. He has dozens of friends who adore him. And most of the time he is wonderful to me. But every once in awhile, something sets him off and he becomes this horrible man who says terribly cruel things to me. He’ll berate me for the smallest things and insist that I don’t love him, that I’m a terrible wife, that he deserves to be with someone who will treat him better. For years I took his complaints seriously and tried to change the things about me he didn’t like. But no matter how much I changed he just kept finding things to complain about. I’m beginning to think that I really have nothing to do with his moods."

Often, the person who experiences these radical mood shifts does not seem to be aware that they have changed. Leslie continued, "The scary thing is that when he switches back to his normal self he often can’t even remember the cruel things he’s said to me. When I tell him about how he has talked to me he insists it can’t be true. That’s why I’ve come to realize that it really isn’t me—it’s him."

Instead of getting angry and lashing out at those closest to them, some Jekyll and Hydes suddenly become withdrawn, depressed or sullen, as was the case with my client Andrew’s wife: "You never know when Sheila’s mood will change and she will become withdrawn. Sometimes she wakes up that way, other times she’ll come home from work that way. I’ll ask her what is wrong and she insists that there is nothing going on. But you’d have to be blind not to see that something is bothering her. She barely talks to me or the kids and she ends up going to bed and staying there for hours, even days sometimes. Then the mood just seems to pass and she’s her old self again. She refuses to talk about what happened and gets angry with me if I try to push her. I’ve learned to just try to ignore it, but it’s hard on us. I just never know when I’m going to lose my wife and the kids will lose their mother for several hours or even days. And I feel bad for her—no telling what kind of emotional torture she’s going through."

Sometimes a Jekyll and Hyde’s duality shows up in the fact that they act radically different depending upon who they are around. Often a person with this syndrome changes his or her personality depending upon whether he or she is in public or in private. Many show one face to their friends and the public while showing another to their partner or family.

While many Jekyll and Hydes tend to be abusive when they switch over into another personality, others act out dark urges that are completely uncharacteristic of them. For example, Reverend Thomas Henderson is a highly respected minister in a conservative church that does not believe in drinking alcohol, sex outside of marriage, dancing or gambling. Although he fervently believes in the church and its teachings, Reverend Henderson experiences intense fantasies and desires that he cannot seem to control. Since he is such a charismatic speaker and is so highly regarded he is asked to be the guest minister at various churches around the U.S. Unfortunately, traveling to a strange city affords Reverend Henderson an opportunity to act out his darker urges. As much as he tries to resist, he is too weak to fight them.

While he is away Reverend Henderson takes on another persona—the persona of a loud, boisterous man who goes to bars, drinks, dances, and flirts with women. If someone in his congregation were to run into him they would barely recognize him. Other than his physical features being the same, everything else about Reverend Henderson is different. Gone is his respectful quiet demeanor and in its place is a boisterous, crude attitude. He even dresses differently. In the place of his conservative suit is a tight tee-shirt and jeans. At the end of each evening Reverend Henderson takes a new woman back to his hotel room to have sex with her.

The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome is named after the classic Robert Louis Stevenson story, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The story is about someone not too different from Reverend Henderson—an upstanding, tee-totaling, philanthropic doctor who turns into a womanizing, drinking, murderous scoundrel—seemingly overnight. In addition to this being an engaging tale it is also much, much more. It is a metaphor for a phenomenon that is all too common—the fact that so-called "good" people often have a dark side, a part of themselves they keep hidden from themselves and others. In some cases, this dark side actually forms a distinct personality radically different from their public persona, as was the case with Reverend Henderson. Ironically, it is often those who stand out as the "most" moral, the most kind, and the most magnanimous who are the most likely to fall. It is, in fact, a rule of nature that the higher up on a pedestal we put ourselves or allow others to put us, the farther we have to fall.

For those of you who haven’t read this story (and for those who read it a long time ago) here is the basic plot: Dr. Jekyll worried a little too much about how others perceived him. He had an investment in being viewed by others as a pillar of the community but secretly he had the desire to act out some of his darker urges. And so he concocted a brew that would allow him to venture into the dark side of human nature, experience its forbidden pleasures, and then return to his more "acceptable" self, seemingly unscathed. Most important he didn’t have to take responsibility for what his darker self did during his excursions.

While many people with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome are like the original Dr. Jekyll who completed his transformation in the darkness of night, with no one else witnessing his change, other Jekyll and Hydes change their personality or experience their mood shifts in front of others. For example, a normally pleasant, amiable man can suddenly turn into an insulting, abusive monster devastating his wife with his sharp criticism of her, going on a rampage and destroying property, or even becoming physically abusive. A typically loving, patient mother can suddenly burst into a rage, calling her children horrible names, throwing objects across the room, even driving off without them to teach them a lesson.

Jennifer devotes her life to her husband and children. She is a stay-at-home mom who is usually patient and loving with her children, four-year-old Erin and six-year-old Josh. But sometimes, for no apparent reason, Jennifer becomes very impatient and critical of her kids and husband. Nothing they can do will please her. It is as if she is looking at them through different eyes. The qualities she complimented them on just days before seem to have completely slipped her mind and all she can see are their faults. "It’s all or nothing with my wife," her husband Bill told me when out of desperation, he came to me for help. "You’re either the greatest person she ever met or the worst. When she puts you in the ‘bad’ box there is nothing you can do to make her like you. I’ve learned to just lay low and wait for her to put me in the ‘good’ box soon. But I don’t want my kids to have to grow up this way."

How the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome Differs from Normal mood shifts.

A person with the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome does not simply experience normal moods shifts and show different sides of himself the way the average person does. What sets someone with a Jekyll and Hyde syndrome apart is:

• Their mood shifts are far more frequent and severe than the average person’s.

• In many cases, not only do their moods shift but their entire personality changes.

• Often their sudden mood shifts include an element of abusiveness toward others.

• Those with this syndrome seldom own up to or admit to their severe mood shifts or their dual personality. In fact, some are not aware that they have such extreme mood shifts or that they have two distinctive personalities. Most will deny any change in their behavior and many try to make their partner or others try to doubt their own perceptions regarding their mood shifts.

• Many Jekyll and Hydes are excellent liars who are extremely convincing and are experts in denial, distorting the truth and shifting the blame.

• Their personality changes often represent a deep conflict within themselves (e.g. the minister who is strongly against adultery but has strong sexual urges he cannot control).

• Their personality shifts or dual personalities are often symptomatic of a personality disorder or are due to previous abuse experiences. (Many of those who suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome were abused in childhood and many suffer from a personality disorder because of it).

• Some who suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome actually live double lives. They may be highly respected elected officials, philanthropists or even members of the clergy who hide a dark side to their personality that causes them to act in ways that would be shocking and hurtful to those who hold them in such high regard or they may create dual identities so they can participate in activities that are unacceptable in normal society.

The Seven Types of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hydes

From my many years of experience working as a psychotherapist specializing in abuse, I have determined that there are seven distinct types of Jekyll and Hydes, including:

1. The super nice/abusive person. This person can be loving and charming one minute and abusive the next. Most often, the abuse takes the form of criticism, insults and name-calling but at times it can include physical abuse. The person is often apologetic once some time has passed and goes back to his usual loving self. But no matter how apologetic he is or how many promises he makes to stop being critical, before long he has once again slipped back into his abusive behavior.

2. The unpredictable person. You never know when this person will become upset, blow up, go on a rampage, become withdrawn and sullen or completely change her mind about something. Living with this person has been described by many as "walking on eggshells" because this type of person is exquisitely sensitive and you never know if something you say or do will upset her. Often it is nothing you have done or said, but something that went on in this person’s own mind that created the upset.

3. The classic Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde who truly lives a double life. This person may be one person around his family and an entirely different one when he is away from them. For example, he may appear in public to be the pentacle of virtue yet be involved with other women or be involved with illegal activities. He may hold the position of a minister or a priest, may have been elected a major of a city or a senator of a state, he may be a philanthropist or a highly respected celebrity and yet he has another life in which he goes against everything he stands for. Some people with this type of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome have set up separate identities, including going by different names or being married to more than one person.

4. The person whose personality radically changes when he drinks alcohol, takes drugs or engages in other addictive activities. Like Dr. Jekyll, whose transformation occurred after taking an elixir he created in his laboratory, this type of radical shift usually takes place only when the person is "altered" due to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.

5. The imposter. This person deliberately tries to fool people into thinking he is something he is not. This can include pretending to be more concerned with the welfare of others or more successful than he is. He regularly lies, manipulates and deceives others.

6. The person whose opinion of others fluctuates drastically. This person tends to either view people as "all good" or "all bad." When she views someone as "all bad" she is unable to see any redeeming qualities in the person and feels justified in treating that person very poorly or rejecting the other person completely—even if it is her own child.

7. The person who changes dramatically when you challenge him in any way. This person can be considerate and agreeable as long as things are going his way or as long as he is in control. But if you don’t do as he wants, if you challenge him in any way or if you dare contradict him, you will see a completely different person. He will become defensive, insulting, and cruel.

The following questions will help you decide whether someone you know is a Jekyll and Hyde.

1. Do certain situations tend to cause this person to change personality or have sudden mood shifts?
2. Does this person change radically depending on whom he or she is around?
3. Does he seem to have a "public personality" that is very different from how he behaves in the privacy of the home?
4. Does she frequently contradict herself? Does she state one point of view or belief one time and the opposite point of view another time?
5. Does this person appear to be a hypocrite? Does he or she strongly disapprove of a behavior in others while often being guilty of the same behavior?
6. Does he have a radically different perception of himself than others have of him?
7. Is she often perplexed by how others view her behavior?
8. Does he often forget that certain events occurred?
9. Does she deny that she behaved in certain ways, even though others are certain she did?
10. Does he change personalities or behave radically different once he has had a few drinks or takes a recreational drug?
11. Does this person have an investment in being seen as the pillar of the community or as an extremely religious person yet sometimes exhibits behavior that is considered unacceptable, sinful or even criminal?
12. Does this person have an asymmetrical face—meaning that one side of her face is radically different from the other side of her face?
13. Does this person make reference to or joke about having a bad side to his personality, perhaps going as far as giving his bad side a name?
14. Does her wardrobe reflect extreme personality changes? For example, does she sometimes dress like a little girl and other times like a whore?
15. Scoring: If you answered "yes" to even one or two of these questions you have reason to be concerned. But if you answered more than half in the affirmative the person in question is definitely a Jekyll and Hyde.

BEVERLY’S NEWS

THE JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality—Or If You Do

will be coming out in April. You can pre-order it now on Amazon.com or
Barnes and Noble.com. I appreciate your continued support.

Here’s what Randi Kreger, founder of BPDCentral.com and co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder says about the The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome:

"Living with a Jekyll and Hyde, forever walking on eggshells, is no way to live. It takes its toll physically and mentally, whether the person’s problem is Borderline Personality Disorder or something else. In this exciting new book, Engel gives hope to millions by showing them how to get off the emotional roller coaster no matter what the situation is."

WORKSHOPS AND CONFERENCES

For those of you in Northern California please note:

The Thirteenth Annual Northern California Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Conference presents:

The Abuse Survivor Movement and the Backlash
Saturday, April 7, 2007
9:30-5:00
Veterans Memorial Center, Davis, CA
No cost, no registration

The keynote speakers will discuss the "False Memory Syndrome" and its junior version "Parental Alienation Syndrome," along with the lukewarm media attention to child abuse.

5th Annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes: Men’s March to Stop Rape

April 28th (Registration opens at 11 am, march begins at noon) Mitchell Park, SLO

Contact: www.Sarpcenter.org or call (805) 545-8888

This event is presented by the Sexual Assault Recovery and Prevention Center (SARP) of San Luis Obispo, County but similar events are being held in cities across the nation.